Here we go again – Monday sees the return of Immuno-Immy! I start back up with single dose infusions of Nivolumab and I’m excited. Is that odd? What feels really odd is that I drove to work this morning, after having dropped Nate off at my parents house, and realised I hadn’t yet thought about cancer today.

I’m starting to feel like a normal person again, and in turn I find myself ‘forgetting’ that I’m sick, for large chunks of the day. I’m sure next week will be a stark reminder of what’s really going on inside my body, with the return of multiple cannulations and hours spent hooked up to machines. It has made me think a lot, however, about the mental game that goes alongside a cancer diagnosis. It’s just as prevalent and turbulent as the physical game in my opinion.

People often tell me I look well, and more interestingly that I act and behave ‘well’. I think by that they mean that I don’t seem terribly depressed or miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I have dark days and weeks, and who knows what’s to come in the future, but at the moment these trickier times always seem to pass relatively quickly. I wonder why this is, all the time (because even I sometimes think that surely I should feel a little more down in the dumps about the whole scenario).

There are many things (both practical and emotional) I have found helpful in keeping me feeling positive and optimistic – some are below.

• Podcasts. When first diagnosed, I think literally the day of, I discovered ‘You, Me and the Big C’. A hilarious, yet informative and uplifting series of conversations between 3 young women who currently have or have had cancer. I urge anyone, whether you have cancer or not, to go and listen. I challenge you not to laugh out loud!
• Books. Escapism and distraction is sometimes the only way out of a dark hole. In these times good fiction is essential. In other times, I’ve found ‘self help’ books incredibly eye opening on a range of topics. There is so much out there, and they’re not at all as self indulgent as I had perhaps assumed. A couple of titles I have recently finished and found particularly interesting are; Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert; The 4 Pillar Plan, by Dr Rangan Chatterjee; and Mind Over Medicine, by Dr Lissa Rankin.
• Having someone to talk to outside of your circle. I.e. a counsellor. Even when I have felt as though I didn’t need it, I kept going and still do. There’s something about chatting things through, getting angry with, crying all over, someone who isn’t close to you in a caring, familial way, that is invaluable. I realised, without noticing at the time, that I was keeping certain thoughts and feelings from my friends and family in a bid not to upset them. These emotions still need to come out, so they don’t fester and accumulate. Therapy is the perfect place to do that!
• On the contrary, talking to people within your inner circle. Spending time with people you love and people who love you is, for me, the thing that makes me the happiest in life. I’m not just saying that for the benefit of those people. Nothing makes me feel as happy as I do after spending time with my family and friends.
• Exploring alternative (feel good) therapies. For me, this has been in the form of massage and reflexology. These can be costly, and sceptics would say the juries out on whether they make a physical impact on health. I can only write what my experience has been thus far, and I 100% feel the benefits after seeing my reflexologist, which is surely making a difference to my physiological self.
• Writing this! I honestly never would have thought it, but writing things down – no matter what they are – has helped clear space in my brain for other, less cancer related, stuff. I.e. after finishing this, I’m off to drink wine and eat dinner with my best friend, and I know I’ll be better company after having had the last hour to indulge here.
• Keeping some sort of a routine (where possible). It’s so easy when diagnosed with something serious, (and let’s face it, downright depressing), to decide to quit life as you know it and execute the most expensive, fun-inducing bucket list known to man. Once I got over my initial plan of travelling the world and seeing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g there was to see, I realised I actually have responsibilities (a son, two step daughters, a job, bills to pay, hospitals to visit etc.) Suprisingly, I’ve found that sticking to my usual routine has helped, especially when everything else in life seems to be so chaotic.
• Knowledge is power. Arming myself with all the information I can find on melanoma, immunotherapy, clinical trials etc, has enabled me to own what’s happening to me, to some extent. This, in turn, has helped stop me from hashing over ‘what if’s’ endlessly (and bothering my clinical team with a ridiculous amount of questions!)