I am definitely not an expert on this topic as I’m only on scan number 1 – of hopefully (??) many.  This is more a message to myself, with things that have worked, and things that haven’t, when it comes to waiting for scan results so I hopefully cope with it better the next time around.

I had my first full body scan last Thursday since diagnosis. I have to wait 2 weeks for the results (wtf – but that’s another discussion for another day), and the wait is agonising. I haven’t mentioned here that I actually had an emergency chest CT scan, when I was admitted to hospital way back at the beginning of last September. At the time I think they were looking for infection, or something else to explain why I had become so ill so quickly. Surprisingly they saw that the metastases in my lungs had actually shrunk. After only 2 infusions and 6 weeks of being on treatment! The doctors were very careful to not let me get carried away, and to manage my expectations. After all, it was still very early days and as Dr F keeps telling me – we’re playing the long game. Still, it was incredibly positive news to hear, and something that I have held on to ever since.

Because I haven’t yet (touch wood) been symptomatic from the actual cancer – only the treatment – this makes me think, along with the positive scan result in September, that surely my body must be responding to the immunotherapy drugs. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and will categorically convince myself that last weeks scan is going to show that I have only 2 weeks left to live. Gah!! What a complete head f***.

Weirdly, things I thought would help me with my scanxiety have done the opposite. I planned a visit to see my counsellor in anticipation of the actual scan, thinking it would be much needed to process my thoughts and feelings. My counsellor is absolutely amazing, but actually talking about the scan and going through every possible outcome and how it would make me feel etc. wasn’t helpful. Things I hadn’t even considered were brought up in conversation, which confused and panicked me more. Ignorance, I’ve decided, to some extent is bliss. I had also read that a good use of time whilst waiting for results could be to plan something special, like a trip or an activity for future months. I’ve also found this really difficult, as I have no idea what those future months will look like right now. Will I be on the same treatment? Will I be on a different treatment, with different side effects? Will my prognosis suddenly change?

Things that have worked for me, so far, include anything constituting major escapism and distraction. Shopping!! Books, films, cooking, playing with Nate, planning this coming weekend, have all been immediate releases to the constant turmoil of thoughts playing havoc in my mind. Making short to do lists for the upcoming day has been helpful – it keeps me in the moment and focused on today. And today only!