One of the things I have spent such a lot of time thinking about over the past 10 months is who to tell, when to tell, exactly how much to tell… Do I say anything at all to work colleagues, or online? Will people treat me differently? I think, if I’m being brutally honest, there are 2 reasons why the thought of ‘going public’ has plagued me so much.

Firstly, and this might sound strange, there’s an embarrassment factor. The stigma surrounding cancer is still a depressing one. When someone mentions the word cancer, your mind automatically goes straight to the sick-looking person in the corner of the room who ultimately dies. I don’t want people to think of me in that way, because crucially, I don’t think of myself in that way. I appreciate I’m generalising hugely – not everyone associates cancer in the way I’ve described. I know the professionals, especially, that I’ve come in to contact with over the past year or so, have been of a completely different mind frame, and have approached every conversation with positivity and optimism. Individuals with a background understanding of cancer, or perhaps their own personal experience, seem to approach the whole thing in a very different way. That being said, you would be surprised to hear some of the reactions I have received when telling people my news. A lot of people, through no fault of their own, have very outdated versions of what cancer looks like and how it is treated. Lauren Mahon, writes it perfectly…

“In general I’m a little positive mofo who is doing her bloody best to bend to the shape of this shitty experience without breaking. But that’s a hard thing to do when the media conditions us to panic, conveying cancer as this terrifying thing that kills everything in its wake. I mean I get it, they need money and fear produces bare P (pennies for those not in the know), but what about us who are trying to process this game-changing diagnosis? Or those who have symptoms but as a result of this scaremongering are too terrified to get checked out? Yep 1 in 2 people get cancer in their lives but 1 in 2 people don’t die, there’d be nobody f***ing left!”

Along with the stigma, I find myself feeling nervous about being open with certain groups of people and for different reasons. My wider work colleagues – the people who I need to take me seriously on a daily basis, people who I need to be able to negotiate with and at times have difficult conversations. Will they treat me differently, be soft on me, wonder if I’m still able to do my job properly?

If I was to post something on social media (which I’ve been so tempted to do, it’s supposed to be a running commentary of your life right? And I definitely haven’t been authentically showing my life on Facebook or Instagram over the past year that’s for sure), would I live to regret it? As we all know, the thing about social media is that once you have put something out there, you can’t take it back. I worry that cancer then defines me, and is the only thing that people will associate me with going forward. In some ways, I don’t mind that. I know me, who I am, and what my life truly consists of. However, would this mean that every time I go to the hairdressers, or take my son to swimming lessons etc. I have to give the update to relative strangers, and have them in return give me that awful pity look? I quite enjoy being able to ‘pretend’ to some extent right now, people are none the wiser and I can carry on with my days as before.