I haven’t really known what to write recently. I feel like more people are probably reading this than before when I would update on the hoof, and all of a sudden I’m wary of what I should and shouldn’t be saying. Which is silly – this was always supposed to be a diary type blog, with updates in one place for family and friends, coupled with random musings along the way. So I’m going to try and stick with the status quo, and continue with a bit of a brain dump from the past couple of weeks.

I had another scan about a month ago now, which didn’t quite give me the results I was hoping for. Not a bad scan as, most importantly, nothing new was seen in terms of melanoma spread, and things are still contained to these relatively small spots in my lungs – it just wasn’t as positive an outcome as last time. Things stay the same for me right now in terms of treatment which is a good thing, as my routine therefore doesn’t change. (Note to self – something I’ve got to get over is a change to routine, as this is inevitably going to happen at some point in the future. But I feel oddly comfortable and secure with knowing how I respond to Nivolumab, the way it’s administered and how I cope with the side effects.)

I think the elation I felt after February’s scan, in hindsight, probably set the bar pretty high. This is a horrid reality to a cancer diagnosis that I have learnt quickly. You really are navigating blind. The scanning process seems particularly cruel, in the fact that you cannot (and in my learning – should not) take a guesstimate on the results. Unlike a cut on your leg for example, which you can physically see healing, it’s all guess work when it comes to the bits that you can’t see.

I follow a lady on Instragram whose outlook on life I admire so much. Her name is Carly McClure, and she has 4 children – the youngest of whom was born with a congenital heart defect. Her daughter is almost 2 years old now and has quite recently had a heart transplant after more ups and downs than you could ever imagine. Carly recorded an Instagram live a few weeks ago, and I just had to write down something she said about fear, and life’s inevitable set backs – it resonated with me hugely.

“Life is not simple, we all know that. Beautiful, great things have bumps in the road. It’s ok to have set backs. It’s ok to not always be moving forward. As a society it feels as though if we’re not moving forwards, we’re moving backwards. And that just isn’t the case. Medically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. We have to be ok with set backs, otherwise life is going to feel so disappointing.”